E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland,
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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
Volume 104, April 15th 1893
Edited by Sir Francis Burnand
PERILOUS POSITION OF A GALLANT OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS.
On a recent March, who (ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hiredCharger) chooses the cooling waters of the Ford in preference to theBridge.
"Here! Hi! Help, Somebody! Hold on! I mean Halt! He won't come out, and hewants to LieDown, and I believe he's going to Rear!"
POLITICAL MEETINGS.
A Crowded, gas-lit, stuffy hall,
A prosy speaker, such a duffer,
A mob that loves to stamp and bawl,
Noise, suffocation—how I suffer!
What is he saying? "Mr. G.
Attacks the British Constitution,
It therefore—er—er—falls to me
To move the first—er—resolution:
"That—er—the Shrimpington-on-Sea
United Primrose Habitations
Pronounce ('Hear, hear!') these Bills to be
Iniquitous (cheers) innovations."
I'll bear this heat and noise no more;
My constitution would be weaker.
I hurry out, and find, next door,
Another meeting and its speaker;
Another crowded, stuffy hall,
A frantic shouter, greater duffer,
A mob more prone to stamp and bawl,
Noise, suffocation still I suffer.
What is he saying? "Mr. G.,
Despite drink's cursed coalition,
Dooms publicans (groans), as should be,
On earth, as elsewhere, to perdition!
"I move, the Shrimpington-on-Sea
United Bands of Hope, with pleasure,
Pronounce the Veto Bill to be
A great (cheers), good (shouts), just (roars) measure."
Enough! O frantic fools who rave
And call it "Temperance"! This body
Would drive me to an early grave;
I'll hurry home and get some toddy.
ADVICE TO A YOUNG PARTY SCRIBE.
You may, an it please you, be dull,
(For Britons deem dulness "respectable");
Stale flowers of speech you may cull,
With meanings now scarcely detectable;
You may wallow in saturnine spite,
You may flounder in flatulent flummery;
Be sombre as poet Young's "Night,"
And dry as a Newspaper "Summary";
As rude as a yowling Yahoo,
As chill as a volume of Chitty;
But oh, Sir, whatever you do,
You must not be witty!
Plod on through the sand-wastes of Fact,
Long level of gritty aridity;
With pompous conceit make