The Celestial Hammerlock
By DONALD COLVIN
Illustrated by NORRIS
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Galaxy Science Fiction October 1951.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
This bigtime space promoter could get
the Horsehead Nebula in a flying mare—but
pinning a planetoid is tougher!
SPACEGRAM
From: Jed Michaels,
Ryttuk, Eros
To: H. E. Horrocks,
Interplanetary Amusement Corp.,
Cosmopolis, Earth
I QUIT, YOU BALLOON BRAIN.
JED
ROCKET MAIL (Second Class)
Dear Michaels:
Your last message indicates you wish to leave the employment of theInterplanetary Amusement Corp. Under our employee policy, this isallowable, effective upon completion of your current assignment. Underprecedent set as long ago as 2347 A. D. the company will even pay thecost of your message of resignation.
However, the words "you balloon brain" do not seem a necessary part ofthat message and will be deducted from your salary.
Furthermore, I have a few words of my own to say. You march straightinto my office, Michaels, just as soon as you get back from Eros. Eros?WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING ON EROS?
Horrocks
ROCKET MAIL (First Class)
Mr. H. E. Horrocks
Dear Balloon Brain:
If you paid a little more attention to your office and less to thatgolf course on Venus, you'd know what I am doing on Eros. I got heretwo days ago via Mars with a herd of six wrestlers, in accordance withyour own written memorandum. We were to appear at an Auruchs clubsmoker.
Upon arrival, I found that no preparations had been made for us andnobody knows anything about an Auruchs club.
The people here are nuts. They talk in six syllable words and theiridea of a good time is to sniff flowers and do five dimensionalcalculus. They have less use for wrestlers than I have for you.
Michaels
ROCKET MAIL (Second Class)
Michaels, you nitwit:
That wasn't Eros, you idiot! You were supposed to go to Erie—Erie,Pa., right here on Earth!
If you remembered even your sixth grade Solar System history, youwould know that the planetoid Eros was settled in 2141 by a group oflonghairs headed by Prof. M. R. Snock, a philosopher with a dozenuniversity degrees.
He wanted to show that war, crime and all forms of violence woulddisappear if people thought only beautiful thoughts.
The planetoid is lousy rich with erydnium ore and the people keep inluxury selling it to space freighters. They spend their time beinggentle and thinking beautiful. There hasn't even been a spitball thrownthere in eight generations.
A fine place for you to show up mahouting six wrestlers with noforeheads. You're lucky they haven't thrown you in jail.
Horrocks
ROCKET MAIL (Postage Due)
Mr. H. E. Horrocks
Dear Jellyhead:
What do you mean lucky? We are in jail.
Right after we got here, the boys decided they had been cramped in thatlocal spaceship and needed a workout to limber up. As soo