By DAVID MASON
Illustrated by RICHARD KLUGA
So you know all the punchlines
to the old kill-your-own-grandfather
gag, eh? Wanna bet?
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Infinity June 1958.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
"Temporal paradoxes," Pangborn said, in that extra-stuffy tone he usedwhen he wanted to give us an adequate idea of his superiority, "are notto be regarded as inconsistencies per se."
"Why not?" demanded Doctor Randall's voice from the depth of his wingchair. All we had been able to see of him for the past half-hour hadbeen his legs, but apparently Pangborn's tone had been too much. "Proveit!"
Pangborn's tone became even more lofty. "My own theory is that suchparadoxes, if reduced to practice, would prove not to be paradoxicalat all."
"Such as the famous idea about going back and killing one'sgrandparents?" Von Juntz asked, stroking his beard.
We all like to have our little oddities on the faculty at Miskatonic.Von Juntz liked to look like a nineteenth century Heidelberger.Pangborn of Physics liked to assume a personality pattern that wouldannoy people. Doctor Randall of the Department of Advertising Artswrote poetry in secret. And I liked to drink....
"Problem of killing grandparents before parents were born," I said,pouring myself another. "Question if you can be born after that.Question if you can't be born, how did you do it? Not really possible,Pangborn. You can't test it." I made a mental note to bring up thelow quality of Faculty Club whiskey at the next business meeting. Ithad everything else a good faculty club should have: brown leatherarmchairs, old magazines, fresh newspapers, a dusty chess board, cutglass decanters ... it was a place well suited for comfortable reading,talking and drinking—except for the quality of the whiskey.
"Can't kill grandpa," Doctor Randall said, from far down in hiscomfortable chair. "No such thing as time travel."
"You underestimate the Physics department," Pangborn told us coldly."In spite of heavy losses to our staff—last year's treason trialscost us three of our most brilliant young men—we've made somevery remarkable strides. We have what is crudely termed a timemachine—although the correct term is temporal transducer. In fact weare currently conducting some very interesting researches with it."
"Then you have tried the killing of a grandfather, Herr Doctor?" VonJuntz inquired. "You have found why it cannot be done, yes?"
"We have not yet gotten around to such minor matters," Pangbornsaid. "But in time...." He began to look interested, "Ah ... wait aminute.... In practice that would be.... Whose grandfather should wechoose?" His eyes glittered. "There is always the question of risk, ofcourse, but it would be difficult for the law to legally consider it asactually murder. My grandfather is already dead." He hesitated. "Thereis the possibility of disappearing."
"But," Von Juntz reminded him, "by your own statement you said it, thatthere is no paradox, and no risk. Grandpa would be dead, you would bealive, and there is no paradox, yes?"
"Q. E. D." Pangborn snapped. "Reduction ad absorbum."
"Et pons asinorum," Von Juntz snapped back, his beard bristling.
These exchanges would have been ever so much better if any of us hadever taken Latin. But I could see that Pangborn was ruffled.
"Very well." He bit off the words. "We'll do it."
"Whose grandfather?" asked Doctor Randall.
Pangborn's eyes glittered. "Mine, naturally. I wouldn't want toendanger any of yo