The Servant Problem
Selling a whole town, and doing it inconspicuously, can be a littledifficult … either giving it away freely, or in a more normalsense of “selling”. People don't quite believe it….
by Robert J. Young
Illustrated by Schoenherr
If you have ever lived in a small town, you have seen Francis Pfleuger,and probably you have sent him after sky-hooks, left-handedmonkey-wrenches and pails of steam, and laughed uproariously behind hisback when he set forth to do your bidding. The Francis Pfleugers of theworld have inspired both fun and laughter for generations out of mind.
The Francis Pfleuger we are concerned with here lived in a small townnamed Valleyview, and in addition to suffering the distinction of beingthe village idiot, he also suffered the distinction of being the villageinventor. These two distinctions frequently go hand in hand, and afford,in their incongruous togetherness, an even greater inspiration for funand laughter. For in this advanced age of streamlined electric canopeners and sleek pop-up toasters, who but the most naïve among us canfail to be titillated by the thought of a buck-toothed, wall-eyed moronbuilding Rube Goldberg contrivances in his basement?
The Francis Pfleuger we are concerned with did his inventing in hiskitchen rather than in his basement; nevertheless, his machines were inthe Rube Goldberg tradition. Take the one he was assembling now, forexample. It stood on the kitchen table, and its various attachmentsjutted this way and that with no apparent rhyme or reason. In its centerthere was a transparent globe that looked like an upside-down goldfishbowl, and in the center of the bowl there was an object that startlinglyresembled a goldfish, but which, of course, was nothing of the sort.Whatever it was, though, it kept growing brighter and brighter each timeFrancis added another attachment, and had already attained a degree ofincandescence so intense that he had been forced to don cobalt-bluegoggles in order to look at it. The date was the First of April,1962—April Fool's Day.
Actually, the idea for this particular machine had not originated inFrancis' brain, nor had the parts for it originated in hiskitchen-workshop. When he had gone out to get the milk that morning hehad found a box on his doorstep, and in the box he had found thegoldfish bowl and the attachments, plus a sheet of instructionsentitled, DIRECTIONS FOR ASSEMBLING A MULTIPLE MÖBIUS-KNOT DYNAMO.Francis thought that a machine capable of tying knots would be prettykeen, and he had carried the box into the kitchen and set to workforthwith.
He now had but one more part to go, and he proceeded to screw it intoplace. Then he stepped back to admire his handiwork. Simultaneously hishandiwork went into action. The attachments began to quiver and to emitsparks; the globe glowed, and the goldfishlike object in its centerbegan to dart this way and that as though striking at flies. A blue haloformed above the machine and began to rotate. Faster and faster itrotated, till finally its gaseous components separated and flew off in ahundred different directions. Three things happened then in swiftsuccession: Francis' back doorway took on a bluish cast, the sheet ofinstructions vanished, and the machine began to melt.
A moment later he heard a whining sound on his back doorstep.
Simultaneously all of the residents of Valleyview hear