PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Volume 108, May 11th, 1895.
edited by Sir Francis Burnand
"BRAINS FOR CASH."
["The unbridled greediness of someauthors."—Mr. Gosse.]
Publisher (nervously). Andwhat will your terms be for ashort story, in your best style?
Author (loftily). I have onlyone style, and that is perfection.I couldn't think of charging lessthan fifty guineas a page.
Publisher (aghast). Fiftyguineas a page! But are youaware that Lord Macaulay gotonly ten thousand for the whole ofhis history, and that Milton——
Author (rudely). Hang Macaulayand Milton! Surely youwould not compare those second-ratewriters with myself! Ifthey were content to work forstarvation wages, I am not.
Publisher. But, say your storyruns to twenty pages, as it probablywill, I shall have to payyou for that one short tale thereally ridiculous sum of a thousandpounds!
Author (coolly). Yes, it is ratherridiculous—ridiculously small, Imean. Still, out of regard to yourpocket, I am willing to acceptthat inadequate remuneration. Isit a bargain?
Publisher (with a groan). Itmust be. The public demandsyour work, and we have no option.But allow me to remark that yourpolicy is——
Author (gaily). A Policy of Assurance,on which you have to paythe premium. Ha, ha!
A Year Or Two Later.
Author (deferentially). I havea really capital idea for a work offiction, on a subject which I believeto be quite original. What—ahem!—areyou prepared tooffer for the copyright?
Publisher. Couldn't think ofmaking an offer till we saw thework. It might turn out to beworth nothing at all.
Author. Nothing at all! Butyou forget how my fame——
Publisher. Disappeared whenwe were obliged to charge thepublic six shillings for a story ofyours about the size of an averagetract. Other writers have cometo the front, you know. Still, ifthere's anything in your novel,when it's finished, we should, Idaresay, be prepared to offer youa couple of guineas down, and acouple more when—say—a thousandcopies had been sold. Is ita bargain?
Author (sadly). I suppose itmust be! Yet I can hardly besaid to be paid for my work.
Publisher. Perhaps not. Butyou can be said to be paid out!
"The Female Ostrich at the Zoo is dead."
THE STREETS OF LONDON.
The stately streets of London
Are always "up" in Spring,
To ordinary minds an ex-
traordinary thing.
Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
Or sink in holes, abused
With words resembling not, in sound,
Those Mrs. Hemans used.
The miry streets of London,
Dotted with l