Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, Iwas arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years. Incharging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked thatit was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been calledupon to explain away.
At this, my attorney rose and said:
"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only bycomparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client'sprevious murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense(if offense it may be called) something in the nature of tenderforbearance and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim.The appalling ferocity of the former assassination was indeedinconsistent with any hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it notbeen for the fact that the honorable judge before whom he was triedwas the president of a life insurance company that took risks onhanging, and in which my client held a policy, it is hard to see howhe could decently have been acquitted. If your Honor would like tohear about it for instruction and guidance of your Honor's mind, thisunfortunate man, my client, will consent to give himself the pain ofrelating it under oath."
The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a statementwould be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case isclosed. The prisoner's statement should have been introduced threeyears ago, in the spring of 1881."
"In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and in theCourt of Objections and Technicalities you would get a ruling in yourfavor. But not in a Court of Acquittal. The objection is overruled."
"I except," said the district attorney.
"You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you that inorder to take an exception you must first get this case transferredfor a time to the Court of Exceptions on a formal motion dulysupported by affidavits. A motion to that effect by your predecessorin office was denied by me during the first year of this trial. Mr.Clerk, swear the prisoner."
The customary oath having been administered, I made the followingstatement, which impressed the judge with so strong a sense of thecomparative triviality of the offense for which I was on trial that hemade no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simplyinstructed the jury to acquit, and I left the court, without a stainupon my reputation:
"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and reputableparents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in mylater years. In 1867 the family came to California and settled nearNigger Head, where my father opened a road agency and prospered beyondthe dreams of avarice. He was a reticent, saturnine man then, thoughhis increasing years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of hisdisposition, and I believe that nothing but his memory of the sadevent for which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting agenuine hilarity.
"Four years after we had set up the road agency