PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Vol. 109. August 17, 1895.
edited by Sir Francis Burnand
"THE SECRET OF SUCCESS."
Young Man from the Country (with the affable condescension hesupposes marks the Man about Town). "'Morning, Coachman! Streetsrather busy this Morning, eh?"
Metropolitan Driver. "Yuss—a bit the usual way, Sir. 'Ow's 'Opslookin'?"
(Modern Version of the Story of the Idle and IndustriousApprentices.)
Mr. Goodchild was admittedly the most successful of merchantprinces—not only financially, but morally. From a boy the great traderhad advanced on the road of commerce by leaps and bounds. His parentswere of humble birth and in poor circumstances, and yet he had risen tothe top of the tree of commercial prosperity. Mr. Goodchildhad shops, warehouses, wharfs, and a fleet of ships. He had never hada reverse. All he had touched had turned to gold. This is so wellunderstood that a description of his enormous wealth in detail would beentirely superfluous.
"Do you really want to know the secret of my pecuniary triumph?" askedMr. Goodchild, when he was questioned on the subject.
"Why, certainly," was the reply. "How is it that your companion, theidle apprentice, came to such signal grief?"
"Because he was always reading the worst of literature. He knew thehistory of every felon recorded in the Newgate Calendar, originaledition, and added chapters. That brought my 'colleague as a boy' tosuch dire disaster."
"And you never perused the pernicious documents?"
"Never. And I can prove my statement to the hilt."
"You never perused them! And why not?"
"Because," returned the prosperous capitalist with a gentle smile,"those in whose hands my future rested had my true interest at heart.I was never taught to read!"
And with this suggestive announcement (well worthy of the attentionof ratepayers who can control the expenditure of the School Board)the history of the two apprentices is brought to a conclusion at oncepleasing and instructive.
ARITHMETICAL EXERCISE.
Letter to the Editor.
"Sir,—I read in the Money Market article last week thatDumbells Co., Isle of Man, paid 17 per cent. Now, Sir, a long time agoI invested in Dumbells, and use them regularly every morning; alsoI recommend everybody to invest in Dumbells. But where is my 17 percent.? I've never received it. I am certainly considerably better inhealth and muscular development than I was before my investment inDumbells. But, putting this at 5 per cent. better, I still want theother twelve. I apply, Sir, to you, for further information, and am,yours hopefully,
A QUERY.
(By Omar Khayyam.)
["WANTED.—An Up and Down Girl;