CULTURAL EXCHANGE
BY KEITH LAUMER
It was a simple student exchange—but
Retief gave them more of
an education than they expected!
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Worlds of If Science Fiction, September 1962.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
I
Second Secretary Magnan took his green-lined cape and orange-featheredberet from the clothes tree. "I'm off now, Retief," he said. "I hopeyou'll manage the administrative routine during my absence without anyunfortunate incidents."
"That seems a modest enough hope," Retief said. "I'll try to live up toit."
"I don't appreciate frivolity with reference to this Division," Magnansaid testily. "When I first came here, the Manpower UtilizationDirectorate, Division of Libraries and Education was a shambles. Ifancy I've made MUDDLE what it is today. Frankly, I question thewisdom of placing you in charge of such a sensitive desk, even for twoweeks. But remember. Yours is purely a rubber-stamp function."
"In that case, let's leave it to Miss Furkle. I'll take a couple ofweeks off myself. With her poundage, she could bring plenty of pressureto bear."
"I assume you jest, Retief," Magnan said sadly. "I should expect evenyou to appreciate that Bogan participation in the Exchange Program maybe the first step toward sublimation of their aggressions into morecultivated channels."
"I see they're sending two thousand students to d'Land," Retief said,glancing at the Memo for Record. "That's a sizable sublimation."
Magnan nodded. "The Bogans have launched no less than four militarycampaigns in the last two decades. They're known as the Hoodlums ofthe Nicodemean Cluster. Now, perhaps, we shall see them breaking thatprecedent and entering into the cultural life of the Galaxy."
"Breaking and entering," Retief said. "You may have something there.But I'm wondering what they'll study on d'Land. That's an industrialworld of the poor but honest variety."
"Academic details are the affair of the students and their professors,"Magnan said. "Our function is merely to bring them together. Seethat you don't antagonize the Bogan representative. This willbe an excellent opportunity for you to practice your diplomaticrestraint—not your strong point, I'm sure you'll agree."
A buzzer sounded. Retief punched a button. "What is it, Miss Furkle?"
"That—bucolic person from Lovenbroy is here again." On the small deskscreen, Miss Furkle's meaty features were compressed in disapproval.
"This fellow's a confounded pest. I'll leave him to you, Retief,"Magnan said. "Tell him something. Get rid of him. And remember: hereat Corps HQ, all eyes are upon you."
"If I'd thought of that, I'd have worn my other suit," Retief said.
Magnan snorted and passed from view. Retief punched Miss Furkle'sbutton.
"Send the bucolic person in."
A tall broad man with bronze skin and gray hair, wearing tight trousersof heavy cloth, a loose shirt open at the neck and a short jacket,stepped into the room. He had a bundle under his arm. He paused atsight of Retief, looked him over momentarily, then advanced and heldout his hand. Retief took it. For a moment the two big men stood, faceto face. The newcomer's jaw muscles knotted. Then he winced.
Retief dropped his hand and motioned to a chair.
"That's nice knuckle work, mister," the stranger said, massaging hishand. "First time anybody ever did that to