“They are really delicious
—when properly treated.”
How To Cook
Husbands
Published at 220 East 23rd St., New York
by the Dodge Publishing Company
[6]COPYRIGHT IN THE YEAR
EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND
NINETY-EIGHT BY DODGE
STATIONERY COMPANY
[7]Dedication
To a dear little girl who will some
day, I hope, be skilled in all branches
of matrimonial cookery.
[9]I
A while ago I came across a newspaperclipping—a recipe written by a Baltimorelady—that had long lain dormantin my desk. It ran as follows:
“A great many husbands are spoiled bymismanagement. Some women go aboutit as if their husbands were bladders, andblow them up; others keep them constantlyin hot water; others let them freeze, bytheir carelessness and indifference. Somekeep them in a stew, by irritating ways andwords; others roast them; some keep themin pickle all their lives. Now it is not tobe supposed that any husband will be good,managed in this way—turnips wouldn’t;[10]onions wouldn’t; cabbage-heads wouldn’t,and husbands won’t; but they are reallydelicious when properly treated.
“In selecting your husband you shouldnot be guided by the silvery appearance,as in buying mackerel, or by the goldentint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure toselect him yourself, as taste differs. Andby the way, don’t go to market for him,as the best are always brought to yourdoor.
“It is far better to have none, unlessyou patiently learn to cook him. A preservingkettle of the finest porcelain is thebest, but if you have nothing but anearthenware pipkin, it will do, with care.
“See that the linen, in which you wraphim, is nicely washed and mended, withthe required amount of buttons and strings,nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettlewith a strong cord called Comfort, as theone called Duty is apt to be weak. Theysometimes fly out of the kettle, and becomeburned and crusty on the edges, since, like[11]crabs and oysters, you have to cook themalive.
“Make a clear, strong, steady fire out ofLove, Neatness, and Cheerfulness. Sethim as near this as seems to agree with him.If he sputters and fizzles, don’t be anxious;some husbands do this till they are quitedone. Add a little sugar, in the form ofwhat confectioners call Kisses, but no vinegaror pepper on any account. A littlespice improves them, but it must be usedwith judgment.
“Don’t stick any sharp instrument intohim, to see if he is becoming tender. Stirhim gently; watching the while lest heshould li