PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Volume 104, March 25th 1893

edited by Sir Francis Burnand

[pg 133]

THE PANGS OF MATRIMONY!!!

Casual Acquaintance. "Hear you're to be Married, Mr. Ribbes.Congratulate you!"

Mr. Ribbes. "Much obliged, but I dunno so much about Congratulations.It's corstin'me a pretty Penny, I tell yer. Mrs. Ribbes as is to be, she wants 'erTrousseau, yerknow; an' then there's the Furnishin', an' the Licence, an' the Parson's Fees;an' then I 'ave to give 'er an' 'er Sister a bit o' Jool'ry a-piece; an' wotwith onething an' another—she's a 'eavy Woman, yer know, Thirteen Stun odd—well, Ireckonshe'll 'a corst me pretty near Two-an'-Eleven a Pound afore I git 'er'Ome!"

SMALL BY DEGREES.

A Story of Defiance not Defence.

There was once a Battalion of Volunteers withits full complement of field, company, and non-commissionedofficers, and rank and file. Andaccording to experts the Regiment was a mostvaluable addition to the national defence. Oneday a General, covered over with gold lace andwearing a cocked hat, rode up to the Colonel andcalled him out.

"Colonel," said the General, "we are thinkingof giving over your command to a C.O. of a DépôtCentre. It won't interfere with you much andgive you less to do. You may still call yourselfColonel—not that I call you so myself. I meanoff parade."

But the Colonel did not seem to see it, and sohe sent in his papers and rode away.

Then the General from the War Office called upthe two remaining Field Officers.

"Majors" said he, "it seems to us we can helpyou a good deal by appointing a Major from aservice battalion as Adjutant. Then you canrank beneath him, and he can look after you andthe two half battalions you each of you are supposedto command. You may still call yourselvesMajors—not that I call you so myself. I mean offparade."

But the Majors did not seem tosee it, so they sent in their paperstoo.

Then the General from the WarOffice called up the Company Officers.

"Gentlemen," said he, "we shallcontinue the snubbing, of which youhave had so much experience. Youwill do all sorts of new work, andgo to all sorts of fresh expense in thenear future. Not that it will increaseyour dignity—not a bit of it.However, you may still call yourselvesCaptains and Lieutenants—notthat I call you so myself. I meanoff parade."

But the Company Officers did notseem to see it, so they sent in theirpapers and marched away. Thenthe General from the War Officecalled up the rest of the Regiment.

"Now, Non-commissioned Officersand Men," said he, "you have no oneto command you, and no one to payfor your marches out, prizes, and therest of it. But don't let that botheryou. You may still call yourselvesSoldiers—not that I call youso myself. I mean off parade."

But the remainder of the Regimentdid not seem to see it, so they sentin their resignations, and vanished.

Then the Officer from the WarOffice rode towards Pall Mall.

"It won't interfere with memuch," said he, "and give the Department

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