PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
JULY 24, 1841.
A MODEST METHOD OF FORMING A NEW BUDGET
SO AS TO PROVIDE FOR THE DEFICIENCY OF THE REVENUE.
Poor Mr. Dyer! And so this gentlemanhas been dismissed from the commission of the peace for humanelyendeavouring to obtain the release of Medhurst from confinement.Two or three thousand pounds, he thought, given to some publiccharity, might persuade the Home Secretary to remit the remainderof his sentence, and dispose the public to look upon the prisonerwith an indulgent eye.
Now, Mr. Punch, incline thy head, and let me whisper a secretinto thine ear. If the Whig ministry had not gone downright madwith the result of the elections, instead of dismissing delectableDyer, they would have had him down upon the Pension List to such atune as you wot not of, although of tunes you are most curiouslyexcellent. For, oh! what a project did he unwittingly shadow forthof recruiting the exhausted budget! Such a one as a sane Chancellorof the Exchequer would have seized upon, and shaken in the face of“Robert the Devil,” and his crew of “odiousmonopolists.” Peel must still have pined in hopelessopposition, when Baring opened his plan.
Listen! Mandeville wrote a book, entitled “Private VicesPublic Benefits.” Why cannot public crimes, let me ask, bemade so? you, perhaps, are not on the instant prepared with ananswer—but I am.
Let the Chancellor of the Exchequer forthwith prepare todischarge all the criminals in Great Britain, of whateverdescription, from her respective prisons, on the payment of acertain sum, to be regulated on the principle of a graduated or“sliding scale.”
A vast sum will be thus instantaneously raised,—notenough, however, you will say, to supply the deficiency. I know it.But a moment’s further attention. Mr. Goulburn, many yearssince, being then Chancellor of the Exchequer, and, like brotherBaring, in a financial hobble, proposed that on the payment, threeyears in advance, of the dog and hair-powder tax, all parties sohandsomely coming down with the “tin,” shouldhenceforth and for ever rejoice in duty-free dog, and enjoy untaxedcranium. Now, why not a proposition to this effect—that onthe payment of a good round sum (let it be pretty large, for theready is required), a man shall be exempt from the present legalconsequences of any crime or crimes he may hereafter commit; or, ifthis be thought an extravagant scheme, and not likely to take withthe public, at least let a list of prices be drawn up, that a manmay know, at a glance, at what cost he may gratify a pet crime orfavourite little foible. Thus:—
For cutting one’s own child’s head off—somuch. (I really think I would fix this at a high price, although Iam well aware it has been done for nothing.)
For murdering a father or a mother—a good sum.
For ditto, a grand ditto, or a great-grand ditto—not somuch: their leases, it is presumed, being about to fall in.
Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, companions, and the communityin general—in proportion.
The cost of assaults and batteries, and other diversions, mightbe easily arranged; only I must remark, that for assaultingpolicemen I would charge high; that being, like the Italian Opera,for the most part, the entertainment of the nobility.
You may object that the propounding such a scheme