The Used People Lot
BY IRVING FANG
Faint car never won fair lady!...
Make your car proud of you!...
Grinning Gregory helps used people!
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Worlds of If Science Fiction, August 1958.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
It's had it. Finished. Done. My wonderful red Thunderflash, I thoughtto myself, isn't worth the electricity to atomize it to Kingdom Come.
Ever since that drunk in his two-seat Charioteer plowed into the rearend with such force that even my radar repellant couldn't stop it,my Thunderflash had been out of kilter. The specialists my garagerecommended worked over it for two days, but couldn't get it torunning the way it did new.
And what was I supposed to do for an automobile now? I had signed thecustomary 40-year pact for half my salary to pay for it. That meant Iwould still be shelling out by 2117.
Weeping over it wasn't going to do any good. It was stuck on the fifthlevel expressway and that was that. I levered myself out (at leastthe ejector still worked) then got behind the car and gave it a goodold-fashioned push to get it on an off-ramp, out of the stream oftraffic.
After I parked I remembered I was heading for a date with Jenny. Ichecked my wallet. No, not enough for a taxi there. I would just haveto phone her to cancel the date.
Reluctantly I pushed the tip of my tongue against my tooth telephone.
"Operator," said the operator.
"Poplar 3104, please."
"Thank you. One moment. I'll ache it for you."
She dialed the number of the tooth telephone in Jenny's mouth, so thetwo fine wires sent gentle electric currents into the nerve. On thethird ache Jenny clicked the receiver open with the tip of her tongue.
"Hello?"
"Jenny, this is Arnold. I won't be able to come over this evening."
"But we had a date," Jenny said in a petulant voice.
"I know, but my car broke down."
"Again?"
"Yes, honey."
"Why don't you do something about it?" Jenny complained.
"But baby, what can I do? I've been to the garage. I've been to thespecialists. I'm so broke on account of these repair bills I've beenliving on macaroni concentrate for the last couple of weeks."
Jenny, my beautiful sweetheart, was distinctly unhappy. "Don't come tome with your troubles," she replied. "In fact, you don't have to cometo me at all until you can come like a gentleman."
"Aw, listen just a minute, Jenny," I started to plead. But it was toolate. Jenny had clicked off.
A fine thermokettle of fish! A month ago I had a shiny lifetime car andwas romancing the best looking girl in town. Then one drunk comes alongand my car is next to useless and my girl is mad at me.
Feeling in a distinctly blue mood I moved my tongue to the other sideof my mouth and shoved on my tooth radio. I rolled the tongue over thebottom of the tooth until I got a program with some blues music. Justthe way I felt. The blues. I sat in the front seat of my Thunderflashand listened to the music echoing against my tonsils.
After the song came the inevitable commercial. Only this was a new one.The announcer said:
"Here's some big, big, big news from Grinning Gregory, your largestvolume dealer in lifetime cars. Gregory announced today that his usedpeople lots are nearly empty. Yes, Grinning Gregory's used people lotsare nearly empty. And that means good, good, good news for you carowners with